Digging Deep For Content... And A Horrifying Dream

             Welcome back, My Dear Readers, to The Other Shoe.  I would like to say “Thank YOU!” to everyone that comes here to The Other Shoe to read my work.  I am writing this posting on August 8, 2013 at about 2:30PM Pacific time. I started writing this post this morning. I awoke, this morning @ 5AM in tremendous pain. My neck was throbbing and shooting electrical shocks into; my upper left arm, the left side of my face and into my jaw and teeth on the left side.

.

I also awoke to crushing depression. Let me explain. Six months ago… I finally had the courage to mention.. my depression to my doctor. I found myself.. crying, uncontrollably for no apparent reason. This was happening several times a week. Oh, I have plenty to be upset about (intractable pain, growing weakness in my left side arm and leg and now the loss of what I have considered home for the past decade… along.. with a personal problem.. that I have been advised not to discuss… from someone whom I have a great deal of respect for… STILL talks to me. ) However, I was raised to be stoic and have, for the most part, spent my adult life doing well at hiding my feelings… except anger. That one, evidently, it is OK for Southern boys and men to show. 

.

Well, I just now found out… Do any of you remember me complaining about Silver Script? My ‘Part D Prescription Plan provider’ over the last two to three weeks? About how I am no longer allowed to take my pain medication as prescribed by my doctor of ten years? I have been taking Vicodin Es (Hydrocodone biturate 7.4 mgs/ 750 mgs Tylenol) for the past eight years. For the past five, or so, I have been taking six a day. Along with a pain medication patch (that helps over night. I have break through pain when I sleep. It actually wakes me up… but not before the pain causes some deeply disturbing dreams… remind me.. ).

.

I have spent over six hours on the telephone, just in the month of July. Well, I did not even think about this… but I have a cap on my cell plan of 450 mins. I just got notification that my bill is $205.79. I spent six hours on the phone with Silver Script representatives… much of it on hold. I did not even think about the plan limit… I was focused on getting my pain medication as prescribed. Now, I have a $200.00 phone bill, just when I am desperately trying to save money to move.

.

This is the depression I am talking about….every day it gets worse. First, I want to tell everyone I am not thinking of hurting myself or others. I want to live! Even in the horrible and intractable pain that I have 24/7/365 I want to live. It is just that I keep getting kicked. By the owners of the building. By Silver Script for my medications. Now, by Sprint over a phone bill… I DID use the time.. it is just how I used the time. Honestly, it would have been cheaper to just pay for the prescription than this phone bill.

.

I wrote this article to talk about how I am creatively tapped out. That I wrote so very much, last week, that my head is… empty. That is not the case, now. Now, I have plenty to write about… nut my pain is peaking… and my depression is peaking at the same time. I apologize for sitting here and complaining. I dislike myself when I write and end up complaining for asking for help.

.

 I would much rather be writing about; Princess Nadia on her first adventure, the bills passed by Congress at the advent of ‘The War On Poverty’, or about some news that strikes my fancy. I apologize to everyone that has just added me to their RSS feed or just put The Other Shoe (at Word Press) on email notification. I promise, My Dear Readers, I will get back to writing about all of these topics.

.

I will write about more positive and informative topics, soon. I just wanted everyone to know… I am having a bit of a spell. I do not want to write about ‘The Adventures of Princess Nadia’ when this storm cloud is over my head. I do not want my depression to show through… in my writings about Princess Nadia. That would not be fair to her memory… it would not be fair to all of YOU!

.

I treasure you, My Dear Readers, I genuinely treasure your time… your comments, your ‘Like’s and I am deeply honored that you come here to read my work. I promise you, My Dear Readers, I will do my level best to get out of this funk.

.

Quite honestly? If my campaign… was… more funded… this would give me; some reprieve from the pressure of writing to draw traffic. If I had some wiggle room I could chase the dark clouds away from over my head. There are only 18 days left for me to gather donations. That scares me a lot. Last night I had a dream.

.

I was… in a public library. I had my notebook computer… the one that I write everything... I post on… and… there were parts to the notebook missing. I was desperate to write… to publish… to entertain you, My Dear Readers, but my computer would not work. There were external drives missing… and a power cord or two. I was frantic, in the dream, to get my notebook working and begin to write. In the dream… I had envisioned a scene from ‘The Adventures of Princess Nadia’ in my head. I was desperate  to write it down… before it left my head. I couldn’t… my computer would not work… Glen was no where to be seen… I was frighteningly alone. In a strange library… not in my home… not in any home. I could not, for the life of me, get the darn computer to work. Then, I heard breathing... over my shoulder. Deep and raspy breathing. Heavy and steady. Then I could feel the heat, coming from the breath. I could feel someone... something behind me... breathing and waiting. Waiting for me to fail. My skin began to crawl, the hackles on my neck raised. I was genuinely scared to death. I had this feeling... that whatever was behind me? Had the parts I needed to make my notebook work. All I had to do? Was turn around and face my fear. Then I would have the parts I needed to write for you, My Dear Readers. So, I gathered my courage. All the time the breating getting louder, more raspy and gutteral, deep and forboding. I gathered up my courage. I slowly turned around.... Then I awoke.

.

I do not dream often at all, anymore. I have a dream that I remember less than twice a year… at the most. That is the dream I had, last night. Shortly after I awoke… sweating… deeply upset… and in tears. I am so very scared up ending up homeless. I am so deeply afraid of what is to come. Most of all… I live in terror… of loosing you, My Dear Readers.

.

I am honored by you coming here to read my work and genuinely moved by your ‘Likes’. Please accept my apology for being so depressed… and not hiding it. I promise you all that I will do my best to write again soon… happier.

.

Thank YOU!

Please Share?!?

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="224"] Daniel's Relocation and General Assistance Fiunding Canpaign[/caption]