Feelings, in general, are not something men from Texas get much training… in. About how to discuss... feelings. I think my many years experience as an actor has given me a better handle on discussing feelings than other male Texans. First and foremost I am gravely concerned by what I saw in the MRI images. I’d be a fool to not have expected my disease to progress over the past two years. So, when I bought the DVD home with the images on it I was fully prepared to see one thing. That one thing was, I expected to see the disc at C7/T1 pressing further into the spinal canal.
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Neural compression on the spinal cord would fit well with the symptoms I am experiencing. I had expected to see further desiccation to the discs at C1, C2, and C3. I was shocked to see those discs not merely desiccated but now also extending beyond the vertebrae and mushrooming into the spinal canal. Quite honestly, My Dear Readers, I had not anticipated the mushrooming I saw all through my cervical spine.
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I had not anticipated seeing the disc between C7/T1 ruptured. I am not sure that you can see it clearly in the images that I have posted. But I’ve looked the DVD on my best monitor and the disc between C7/T1? Is not just desiccated, it is fully ruptured. That explains the loud pop I heard a couple weeks ago... or longer. The days of pain seem to fade into one another. It is been since the beginning of the campaign, most likely the week I wrote and published 12 articles in seven days. I was working, it was late in the evening, and I had been writing for I don’t know how long and I relaxed. I leaned back on my pillows and I heard it… A very loud and wet pop.
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There was a lot of pain shortly after this very loud and wet pop. But it may have happened earlier. This goes really far to explain the low-grade fevers. You see the fluid in the dural sac is not the same as the cerebral spinal fluid that is in our spinal canal. Mixing the fluid from the dural sac and that of the cerebral spinal fluid can cause infection. Looking at the MRI images explains up a lot of what’s been going with me physically. It explains the increased pain. It explains the fevers and the reduced feeling in my left hand. It explains the shooting pains I now get in my face and teeth.
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Whatever I did? I did not, expect this. I was just not even prepared from what I see in these images. First, the medical. Doctor Gorilck was correct in diagnosing “Severe Spinal Stenosis”. For that is exactly what I now have, severe spinal stenosis. The blockage of the spinal canal, and the flow of the cerebral spinal fluid. He nailed it with just my explanation of new symptoms. Kudos for Doctor Gorlick. He really is the great physician I knew he was/is, he proved me right about him, again.
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There is no real treatment for my condition, in its current state. No medications. No surgery. No miracles… nothing nada. I have only to measure the days of the final advancement of the disease and regression of my physical abilities. All that is left is the decline. Over time I will loose more and more abilities. Movement. Coordination. Sight and taste. Finally, breathing.
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That leads to me emotionally and mentally. Great NEWS! Mentally I will never decline due to this disease state. To my last breath I will be fully aware of my pain, my loss of movement, my incontinence. I will be sharp and aware for all that great fun. Super, huh? So long as I can speak… I can write. Oh, My Dear Readers, I will continue to write… so fear not about that. I won’t leave you without my tales. I will start, just as soon as I am moved, with writing and finishing ‘The Adventures of Princess Nadia’. Once done, I will start with Book Two, then Book Three, then Book Four and finally ‘Book Five-Final’.
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I will not leave this earth without completing as much of her story as I can. I may never keep my promises to myself, but I refuse to renege on my promise to Princess Nadia .I always keep the promises I make to the ones I love.
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On the other hand, my mental state will/does fully suck. First and foremost I will put in print and I mean it with all my heart and soul “I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!” Death will have to take me kicking and screaming. I do not care if I am incontinent. I do not care if I cannot walk or use my hands to feed myself or write. Let me repeat it for you “I WANT TO LIVE!”
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If I wanted to die… I would just stop asking for financial assistance. Force myself to move all by myself. That would kill me. Nope, I am going to bother you all for assistance any way you can help. I have no problem begging. I am going to have to wear a diaper soon enough, you think I am bothered with the shame of asking for financial assistance? LOL
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I am severely something else. I am severely depressed. Right now, as I am writing, I am frowning… big. I am used to being depressed. They have medications for that. I know it is showing through, right now, in this work. I do not need anyone to tell me, I can see it clearly with every word I write. What do you expect? I just looked at MRI images that are far worse than anyone expected. In just two years we see massive progression of disease. This looks like, more like, five or six years of disease progression… not two. So be it.
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Nothing I can do. At least nothing I can afford. Not on Medicare and Social Security. Nope. Not happening. I mean, I am poised to be homeless and I cannot raise enough funds to keep me off the street. I am not stupid enough to think people will help with a surgery that would cost ten to twenty times more! I just want to move… safely… to somewhere not in the ghetto. If I had the money? I would move out of California!
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Somewhere with seasons! Maybe even four seasons! I cannot do that with the money I have raised to date. Honestly, I need twice what I have just to move myself out of this place and safely to a new home only miles from where I live today. I will do everything I can to get the money I need.
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Next week? It will come to selling the only possessions I have. My computer. My TV. My DVD player. My Xbox. I had hoped that it would not come to that, but I refuse to go down without a fight! I do not know how to garner more support. How to ingratiate myself further and get the funds I need to hire people instead of exposing myself to much greater risks of injury. That is what it boils down to, My Dear Readers. The more money I can get from donations? The lesser the risk to my health. They are equal. If I can pay for other people to move, that removes one risk to my health. If I can pay people to pack and carry items to the van or truck? That removes another risk to my health. If I had enough financial support to pay for; the room or apartment (rent and deposit), people to pack, people to load the truck, people to drive, and people to unload and unpack?
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That would eliminate any chance of me hurting myself. I wish that were the case. I would need three times what I have so far raised for that to be my reality. There are TEN DAYS LEFT to raise those funds. I will write. I will post. I will ask again and again and again for your financial support. I do not know what else I can do.
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If I must sell what I own… the few items of convenience and joy I have? This I will do. I pray it will not come to that, My Dear Readers. Hence, me asking… begging for your continued support. Asking that you share my campaign with; friends, family, church, coworkers, anyone that might listen for even a moment. I do not want to sell this computer. With which… I do not know HOW I will write the stories I have to tell.
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I am in too much pain to continue. My depression wraps around me like large arms trying to squeeze the life out of me. I simply must go.
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As always, I am honored that you come here and read my words. I will… improve. I will write happier works, again. This… MRI… has kicked my feet from out from under me. I apologize for the darkness… but I do not relish the thought of selling all the things I have scrimp and saved for, for years… just to move… and not get hurt in the process.
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Please… consider assisting me… keeping me safe? Thank you!
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