The TRUTH about Danny...

.

[caption id="attachment_2516" align="aligncenter" width="332"] Daneil Hanning of The Other Shoe 2001[/caption]

.                 

            Dear Friends, Family and Followers at The Other Shoe and here at Facebook,
As many of you all know, my life (outside my writing at my blog) has taken a turn for the worse. My cervical spine is in a continual state of decline, pain and relentless popping grinding and decay. I do my BEST (honest, I try VERY hard) to keep a 'Good Attitude' and NOT to let... 'Dark Thoughts' past.
.
Of late, that task is growing more and more... difficult. Just this Wednesday (yesterday) I had a visit with a new doctor to evaluate a lump I found. I am very grateful to find out it is NOT cancerous. However, what I DID find out... Well, it is an enlarged Lymph Node. Evidently I have an 'infection' of an unknown origin.
.
I am working to find an 'Infectious Disease' specialist, and I am to schedule a C.T scan of my head and neck 'With Contrast'. The contrast is to let the radiologist 'see' blood flow. They can 'see' things like... other 'hidden' tumors just by following the blood. Or they can see ruptured or damaged arteries or veins.
.
They are using the contrast to, hopefully, find the origin of my infectious disease.

Now, my primary care doctor is CONVINCED that the problem lies with either; the hardware in my neck or the bone grafts that NEVER knitted (healed completely). He thinks that the bone grafts that did NOT turn solid... have become a source of infection. This would explain a great many things.
.
It would explain; my frequent fevers, my feelings of fatigue, nausea, and flu like symptoms nearly every day. Thing is? I really am getting to the point... well, I am not sure if I 'care'... Since 2002 I have been fighting with this cervical degenerative disc disease. What that means, in every day terms, is: every day I am in pain. I go to sleep at night in pain. Every single morning the VERY first thing I am aware of, upon waking up, is that I am in pain. I MUST wear either a soft cervical collar or a hard cervical collar... EVERY single day.
.
When I DO 'feel' up to it, I write as much as possible. However, when I spend most of a day writing (and then it is about 30-45 mins writing, 30-45 mins resting, back and forth) when the day is done? That NIGHT I simply CANNOT sleep.. because of the greatly increased pain... and the loud poping and grinding in my neck. My left hand becomes mostly unusable, do to shooting pain and decreased range of motion and fine motor skills... as a result of the hours of work writing.
.
When I can, I do my best to use my 'Speech-to-Text' software to help me write. This REALLY does help me keep from ending up in so much pain... but the darn program just... well, I spend SO much time correcting... often I wonder if it isn't just easier to try and type. The days are getting... 'darker' for me. The growing concerns that the surgery that saved me from paraplegia... might have put something in my body that is poisoning me.
.
Finally, yesterday I was told that I should be seeing a neurosurgeon every three to five years "because there are new surgeries and treatments all the time...". Yeah, right, like the laser surgery for spinal stuff, right? 1) Medicare does NOT pay for stuff like that.. unless it is a matter of life or death 2) I have already been told that my first neurosurgeon 'created the longest cervical fusion I (the 2nd neurosurgeon) had ever seen, and he was in his mid to late 50's.
.
I have been, several times now, advised to NEVER ALLOW someone to operate on my neck, again. The 1st surgeon did a fusion that "turned my neck into a hinge".. right at the connection between the Cervical and Thoracic spine. This 'hinge' is crushing the disc and nerve roots at C7-T1... kind of like if you put a rubber grommet in between a door and the jam (at the hinges) and opened the door. The disc NEVER had a chance.
.
Most nights... I just CANNOT sleep for the pain, like tonight. So, I sit up all alone with my pain and fears... and people wonder why I am depressed. ;)
.
Anyway, it is all getting more and more difficult. Getting up... writing... seeing doctors... any/all of 'it'... just gets me more and more 'Blue'. Everyone has the own cross to bear. I understand and respect that... THAT is WHY you don't normally hear me complain... much at ALL. What good does it do, anyway...
.
The frosting on the cake of my life is the incredible crushing feeling of poverty. I HATE being... 'poor'... yet, I am not without pain enough, or long enough, to actually 'work' at anything resembling a 'real' job. Bottom line... it is, every morning, getting more and more difficult giving a shit enough to get out of bed. The daily pain, and the inevitability of more and more pain... just makes me not want to even wake up.
.
I don't 'Play the Lottery'. I don't have a 'Rich Uncle'... and as much as I love my writing and think that my writing is quite good... So do three million other guys just in California. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention the nausea that comes with the fevers. Now, twice or three times a week I wake up about 3 AM and run to the bathroom to puke up everything I have eaten since the last time I puked up my guts.

.

This is an 'all new' symptom that cropped up about two months ago. Not even Dr. Gorlick knows about this one. Now, I know what is going to be said; 'This is secondary to the infection, the fevers and the disease... As soon as we find and treat this infectious disease, ti WILL get better'. Here's a novel thought! What IF they NEVER find out WHAT is making me sick? What IF they DO find out and it IS either the hardware or the bone grafts that have caused the infection??? There is NOTHING that ANYONE can DO!

.

Once the bone grafts are IN THERE... They can NEVER be removed. The hardware is DRILLED/SCREWED into my BONES! That isn't going ANYWHERE! If Dr. Gorlick (and I AGREE with im) is RIGHT and it IS an infection from the surgery... the hardware of the grafts... WTF? Even IF there IS something that they can do? There is a 97% chance that ONLY 'people with money' can AFFORD to have it done! NO WAY Someone on Medicare/Medi-Cal could AFFORD to have this fancy stuff done... nope NEVER!

.

I doubt that I will EVER post this... I doubt that IF I did... more than two people in the entire world would give 'two hoots and a holler'. The depression is just crippling. The poverty is just... grinding me to a nub. The pain... honestly it is ripping my mind into tiny little shreds. And, there is NOTHING that I can do... but wish. Wish for ANYTHING to change... to improve. Then, wake up the next morning to more pain... and the reality that NOTHING has changed. If 'this' is what 'life' is going to be for me... for the rest of... 'whatever'? WTF?

.

Hell, I can't EVEN 'afford' glasses I CAN SEE out OF! I am (barely) wearing the SAME glasses for the past DECADE! The lenses don't stay in... one arm is hanging by a thread and it CAME from a different pair of glasses... and I can HARDLY see when I am outdoors and getting around.

.

I WAKE UP to pain... that slowly (as the day progresses) turns into DEPRESSION. My lunch I am REALLY depressed... and that turns into MORE PAIN... By dinner time... I don't really have an appetite. I eat JUNK because it tasted sweet... and the ONLY 'real' pleasure I have in life ANYMORE is eating sweet stuff. It helps... some, with the depression. That is not just 'me' saying that... a doctor told me to eat sweets, they help with depression. SO... I am going to weigh 200 lbs... be BLIND... not be able to WALK... my neck will sound like a cement mixer... I will trip over my own feet... and I cannot stand my LIFE. WTF?

.

.

Thanks for reading...sorry if I depressed... YOU!

.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="234"] The Other Shoe eBay Store[/caption]

http://www.ebay.com/usr/enzomatrixlt

.

[caption id="attachment_2296" align="aligncenter" width="630"] The Other Shoe's Daniel Hanning 2/2014[/caption]